I have to write this down, quickly, now, before I forget, the way you do forget dreams. Because I have been dreaming, I think. Maybe it's the cumulative effect of a huge amount of stress that finally overloaded my mind, maybe it was the effect of everything I've taken in the recent past. It's hard to think it was due to what I'm *immediately* under the influence of, which is a small dose if benzos I'm currently prescribed. That and remnants of chemicals legitimately ingested enough to leave discernable traces. All I know if I've come to from what has been an extraordinary experience, an experience so powerful that I want to capture it like you want to capture and store the state of that first trip.
I come to. I can't recall what recently happened today, except throughout the experience I want the loo. But not badly enough to go. It is just a continuing thread. I'm shivering, freezing cold. I'm lying on the sofa in a reasonably warm room on the settee with one of my cats on top of me. I can't move for a few moments, then I realize I want to write this down. Typing is slow because though my first action was to go upstairs to the bathroom, since then I went to the kitchen and saw the dishwasher waiting to be unstacked. Better do it before my husband gets in and a cigarette would be nice to calm my thoughts so I've had the back door open and it's wet and cold outside. I type this slowly because my fingers are still cold, despite standing close to the fire to warm up. I wonder where I can type without interruption, it has to be the mac, as the mac has no distracting irc, IM client etc open. So I've opened TextEdit and here goes.
I've been on a journey. A long, long journey, though it isn't late. Memories begin to come back. I am a bit hungry, because I never ate the mince pies for dessert and we ate early. Derek is at work but there is still about an hour before he's due home. This is a few hours physically but half a lifetime mentally. Have I been in REM sleep *this* long? But things are OK, I can relax initially. I was talking to two people on irc when I was overcome with fatigue and wanted to briefly lie down. I left them as soon as I decently could and lay on the sofa. Damn, I could have done with having a pee before I did that, but never mind.
I'm now at Embleton, our very ordinary, rustic, bungalow. I haven't been for a while and I'm there with Barbara my sister. The place has changed in my absence! The sea is tremendous, the waves are something else, does she fancy a swim? She does, and suggests taking with us these surfboards and sure enough, people in the water are having the time of their lives, surfing in terrifically fast on these harmless but enormous waves. I can't wait. We end up travelling along the beach in the water, and there are all these amusements, boats and attractions to play on in the water. The water is warm, which makes a pleasant change for the north sea. I help an old lady onto a big ship, we have to climb up the ladder at the side, because it has left the dock. How did I do that? On board there is every luxury, and loads to explore. So I explore, at times meeting up with Barbara, at times losing her for a while. I move from ship to ship, to harbourside, to museum, to attraction, to interactive display. Now I can't find Barbara but she won't worry, we both know Embleton. I check the time, it's OK, not late. This is a fascinating world! There seem to be parallel worlds you can travel down, depending on what you want to enjoy. I continue walking because I'm experiencing a virtual world trip. I head south, as in the distance I can see the dome of the south pole and they're demonstrating the amount of light you see at given times of the year, and the position of the sun and how it is the reason behind this. In fact it's at the current date, so I hurry. At this point I notice an information board with a message for #MoiraA to contact the organisers, along with signs hoping you enjoyed your day out. What a fascinating thing to have build around Embleton and the immediate north! I check the time but see that there are hours so go before we were planning to go home, so she probably just wonders where I am, and I really want to experience mid winter at the south pole. Already the lights are better than you'd see on a shroom trip, or with LSD! We pass some toilets, plenty of them, but I carry on, that's OK, clearly there are plenty and I can find them again or find another set. Everybody living the life they recreated like in a time travel museum seems to be part of the attraction, not a visitor.
Anyway, we reach the south pole and I see what continual darkness is like around the winter solstice. It's a bit cold, probably made so as to be a realistic setting. It is intriguing. I carry on, now I see a medical first aid post where one woman is giving birth. All the animal sounds and stuff accompany this well remembered exerience, poor girl I hope her labour is soon rewarded. She is with a midwife. Bit of a public place to give birth, but you do hear of such things. Again I pass toilets. It's a bit unreal, I'm confused which is ladies and gents, but never mind, there is so much going on that I could go in any of them and nobody would even notice. I carry on, now I find a black sort of small "buoy" which also has a request for me to contact security. Apparently I now have a concern rating of 33 and I can request security help of up to 35. Now I don't really want to be found - why am I wanted and what have I done? I'm enjoying this once in a lifetime experience too much to interrupt it for anything! I now find I'm on a time line going through the decades, even those before I was born, and I experience the discovery of lsd and the interest in this type of still legal drug. I carry on until it is starting to get less interesting as it is reaching decades much more recent, in fact it is racing towards the present. I'm constantly jumping between ship and train and road and bus and plane, but nothing hurts me. I can disembark from a ship travelling down 90s fashion and change to a train heading into London. But the traffic is never a problem, wow they planned this attraction well! No cars run me over, no trains come in my path. I see a security van and avoid it. I wonder if I can find out what concern rating I now have. It's becoming more difficult, things are more spread out and in addition my cat Lucy has joined me and I have to carry her. Then after a while I notice I'm carrying Kevin, damn, now both cats are here for me to look after. Still, we carry on. Toilets are less frequent now, so I decide to go when I find one. God, what a poky set of facilities in an otherwise tremendous setup! Mission accomplished, I pick Lucy up again and leave the crummy loo. Don't seem to feel much relief but I must have, so I ignore it - it's just me.
I'm walking along the streets of London and become more aware of how dark and difficult this is. I look at the time. 10.20 pm. Perhaps I had better leave my world as I can see the cat is lying on my stomach and I'm cold and God, I have been out of it some time, a few hours anyway. If I don't surface, I'll really end up spending the night here. Mostly, I now really need the loo and I'm also compelled to record what just occurred as fast as I can as it's beautiful, but I worry that like every dream, it will fade. So I finally move. Now I've come full circle. Not quite as shell shocked and I can remember it's Saturday and I'm off work, it's not the middle of the night, all essential jobs are done. I had better get back to irc, forums, emails etc before bed. Two more days off, woohoo! No money, nowhere to go and lots of time. Well, rugby on sunday and plenty to do, there are financial concerns but I have addressed them sufficiently for now. I feel like I just got abducted by space invaders and dumped back down. I click save in TextEdit. Imac documents will do for now and one more network location.
13.12.08
Edit 17.12.08Why did that leave me so disturbed? Why did I feel so spaced out, so peculiar, so kind of scary yet overawed by all this? It's the first time I read it since I wrote it and it sounds like an ordinary dream. But it wasn't, it so wasn't. I feel the frustration so familiar after a trip ...... wanting to describe my out of this world experience, but when I read what I wrote, it sounds so ordinary. Sad, words are so inadequate at times. The profound effect I can still feel part of but is slipping away because I'm no longer mentally on that plane, is (was) so powerful, that this was not just a dream, or semi conscious thoughts, slipping in and out of a doze on the settee. Possibly it was the state of being in an acute, powerful and long lasting REM sleep while still being aware of what was going on around me. Though not even that makes sense. I came to and hardly knew who I was. It's hard to describe - everything was 100% ecstasy (and nothing to do with MDMA!), it was ultimate, sheer pleasure.
Monday, 5th January 2009